One piece of torture equipment - Voldyne 5000

One of the most serious complications from any procedure that requires general anesthesia is lost lung capacity which can lead to pneumonia or permanently lowered lung capacity. Well, this little beauty, the Voldyne 5000 Volumetric Exerciser, is used to help the patient clear out and regain their lung capacity.

The goal for me is to inhale through the Voldyne 5000 and get to 3500ml consistently. Sounds easy, right. A child could do it. A one-lunged no armed monkey with emphysema and a hole in his cheek could do it (although he may have difficulty holding the tube). No problem. Well neither of those examples has a freshly separated and closed breast bone, an 8-inch suture or a chest tube laying across their lung. The first time I tried it, shortly after having my surgical breathing tube removed, or at least what I remember to be shortly after breathing tube removal. Everything is a bit hazy those first few hours after surgery. Anyway, I digress. My first attempt at this produced a result between 2500ml and 3000ml. Piece of cake! It makes little difference that I was receiving morphine at the time and the swelling had not set in from the surgery. Right? No biggie.

I tried it again about an hour or so later (once again, the timeline is a bit hazy here). This time the results were not as good -- about 1500ml. I should probably also include that that lackluster result was accompanied with what was the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced in my life. I was literally terrified I had split my incision, ruptured a lung or somehow permanently damaged myself. Luckily, in ICU, morphine was administered in my IV and my suffering was abated quickly. What happened? The general anestethic had completely worn off and expected surgical swelling had set in. Now my chest tube resting on my lung was much more restrictive. My early success with the Voldyne 5000 (hoping to get an endorsement deal with them) would haunt me for the next few days. Not that I have an obsessive personality or anything like that.

On the afternoon of the second day, several of my more exotic bio-connections were removed (another posting for those details). My chest tube came out. Wow, what a strange sensation. I felt the tube coming out the entire length of the pull. I felt it run across my lung and through the holes below my breast bone. I also felt a huge load come off my chest. Shortly afterwards, I was taken from ICU to a private room. After getting situated, I tried my breathing exercises using my now familiar Voldyne 5000 (I can be reached through email for ad campaigns). I did quite a bit better but also noticed increased soreness afterwards. Keep in my, they were doing a great job of keeping my pain managed at this point. If I was feeling a little soreness, it was probably giving me one whopper of a smack had I been in the unfilter world of genuine "holy cow that hurts, make it stop, stop it, stop it, stop it, Mommy!" pain.

I noticed deep breaths were not pleasant to perform. What I needed was something that allowed you to work on expanding your lungs, showed a clear goal and could be made into some sick masochistic game that could become so addictive that any bored individual with a borderline obsessive compulsive disorder could really focus on it an unhealthy way. Then it came to me like something produced by someone with Photoshop and too much time on their hands.


The Voldyne 5000 could be my savior. I could suck my way back to respiratory health! And suck I did. Last night, almost a week after first meeting "Voldy", I was able to reach 4000ml 10 times in a row. That would be terrific and a monumental accomplishment if it were not for one thing -- the scale goes up to 5000ml. That extra 25% taunts me like a like a guest eating peanuts at the monkey cage. Should I ignore the taunts, throw feces or face my nemesis head on in some respiratory suck-a-thon where there can be only one victor?

Oh precious Voldyne, have you truly become my Voldemort?